Ahhhhh

I don't want to go and do anything this weekend yet people seem to force me to do things I don't want to do constantly. I don't understand why. I just want to be left alone. I wish I could go out more with friends and not have to worry about anything. I have Lilliana now to worry about and I love her but I had to give up a lot for her and I get depressed about it sometimes.

Pondering

So I was wondering and pondering on issues in my life that I have no clue on. I wish sometimes I had someone to tell me what to do and make everything the way I want it to be. I do want so many changes

why is life so hard

I do not understand why life has to be so hard and i do not understand why people pretend to be happy when sometimes they are not really happy at all. I go onto facebook and everyones post says how great there life is however you know that behind the curtains there life is not at all perfect than whay act like it is so great. i am in a relationship where i fight all the time and it is abusing and i want out but i have a child which makes it worse and i do not want her to grow up around fighting but with money and times being tight i do not know what to do it is very very hard.

Its monday

Ok so I went to the denstist and got a tooth pulled and 330 dollars later I am told I have about 7,000 dollars of work i need done in my mouth. Ouch! So i am going back today to get two more fillings. I dyed my hair red over the weekend. I like it but It is kind of fakey I expected more of a real red. Oh well. I got m nails done a bright pink oh yea I love them. Mom came back from the keys yesterday she said they bought a place in the keys so now they have to move and that means we are going down to help this weekend. just what I wanted a three hr drive with a nine month old!! It should be fun lol. I still want another child and I want to finish school and I want it all now and I cant have it I am very very impatient. I need to call my friends I havent spoken to sassia in a long time. Well thats all the news or today see ya soon.

The Dentist!

So today I woke up with the worst pain ever besides child birth. One of my back molars hurts so bad and I have a major headache. The worst part is I have a nine month old and she does not understand mommy has a tooth ache and is wanting to play. I do not have a baby sitter so my tooth is going to have to wait till probably saturday! uhhhh. Hopefully I can hang on!

Motivation

I need motivation for life! It has become repititous although I have tried so hard to avoid that. I want to get so many things done however I seem to be overloaded and can not get one thing done. I try to break things down into little goals but I never seem to reach them either. hmmm.. still searching I guess.

Life's Questions

Life is not fair. I may not live a life in a church room or completely in the house of god even though I do believe, I really do but I do not understand why everything has to be so hard. I try to stay positive and wake up in the morning to conquer everything but something is always there to shut you down. Growing up your told to get good grades and stay out of trouble and go to college meet a good man get married have children and life a great life. It is hard to believe how few really do all of this. I fell I have been good I got the good grades I never did drugs or drank or hung out with the wrong crowd. I went to college and soon will be graduating with a 4.0 and a degree in elementary and secondary education science major. I have a beautiful little girl who I worship and love so much. But the only thing I do not have is great relationship in my life. All my relationships seem to be messed up in some sort of way. I always say it isn’t fair I don’t understand why I try and try to make things work and do the next right thing and it doesn’t seem to matter. I have so many acquaintances but very little if any true friends. My personal life relationship although I wish it were great keeps getting harder. I’m not even asking for perfect just good would work for me, anything to make life not so hard all the time would be great. I can’t seem to find the balance or understand what is right and wrong in a situation like this.